Adolescent to Responsible Adult at 40 Years Old.

A Review of Ken Mossman’s Integrated Adult Man Program

“I have someone I’d like you to meet.”  Sam said after we returned from our trip kayaking down the bayou.  Sam was visiting my home after we met in a course, he was the instructor, I was the student.  We connected quickly, for Sam House is one of those genuine people whose smile lights up a room, a true treasure of a human being.  Sam introduced me to Ken Mossman, leader of the IAM program (Integrated Adult Man), and that introduction changed how I operate my life.  I now find great pleasure in being a responsible adult, and have kept the fun-hearted lack of concern mindset associated with re-discovering my inner child.

Before I joined the IAM program, Ken and co-leader Irv welcomed me into their weekly Men’s group with open arms, despite me being the junior in the group by 20 years.  Week in and week out for more than a year, I continued to attend the group, for I have found nowhere else to have the intelligent conversation we have in that group.  Many of the men in the group would mention how influential Ken’s IAM program was for them.  Eventually, an opportunity to join a cohort came around.  I hesitated at first, my funds were running lower than usual thanks to the current inflation.  Due to the trust I built in Ken and Irv over the year in the Men’s group, I decided to jump in.  I am so thankful I did too, the money I spent turned out to be a great investment for my future.

It started with a taste or IAM, a free demonstration of the course, where we performed a visualization to reconnect with our inner child.  At first I resisted, I couldn’t imagine how connecting to my inner child would help me be a better man.  The exercise had us imagine ourselves in vivid detail at roughly eight years old, then we introduced our current self to that younger version.  In my imagination, my child self turned away from my adult self, rejecting me due to a lack of trust.  Within seconds of that imaginary rejection, Ken’s voice came over the audio, “If there is anything less than full trust here, get wildly curious as to why.”  The visualization was enough to cause me to well up in tears, much to my embarrassment, even though our cameras were off.  That is when I knew for sure it was time to commit to the work offered in the IAM program, for I had some pain inside me I needed to deal with.

When the work started in earnest, we continued to explore various aspects of our childhood, including a reconnection with our adolescence, as well as taking a deep look at the messaging we received around what it is to be feminine and masculine.  We dove into sources of shame and looked into the various aspects of the negative ego like the critical parent – that self-criticizing part of us that weaponizes data against us.  My critical parent came in the form of my maternal grandfather, who routinely called me a “stupid motherfucker” and “a god-damned little prick” from a pre-adolescent age.  Thanks to the course, I was able to release some of the anger I kept welled up from those experiences.  

The most powerful facet of the negative ego for me ended up being the indulgent parent.  In my head, the indulgent parent sounds like, “You’ve worked really hard, it’s okay to have a few drinks,” and “You’ve been strict for days, let loose, have some Ice Cream.”  Where consistency is key to reaching goals, my indulgent parent smoothly coaxes me into stepping off my chosen course of action for the sake of trying to soothe slight discomforts.

We also explored the positive ego, which included various facets like the nurturing parent, that voice that has our best interests at heart.  My favorite voice is the responsible adult, the piece of ourselves that is grateful for the privilege of being responsible.  This may have been one of the biggest eye openers for me.  Before my near-death experience I operated my life as a wounded over-achiever, thinking the over-achiever was my responsible adult, and sacrificed my own health for my career.  

After going through that near-death experience, I had a bit of a mid-life crisis where I attempted to bury and dismiss what I thought was the “responsible” part of myself.  Somehow, unconsciously, my inner adolescent took control of my life, where jobs and careers and any “boring” work was dismissed for the sake of following my passions.  Because I only wanted to do fun things, I was getting nowhere quick, and the necessary tasks responsible adults take to live a life of peace and freedom, seemed like stupid chores to my inner adolescent.  For example, I let my driver’s license expire because the thought of sitting at the DMV was too boring, and the fees to reinstate my license cost me an obscene amount of money that would not have been necessary had I handled it earlier.

Thanks to the course, I see now what I used to think was my responsible adult was actually just a wounded piece of myself. That wounded piece was trying very hard to prove that I was enough.  That wounded part just wanted to feel special, like I was important and better than everyone else.  Work was just a way to keep myself busy so I didn’t have to deal with that emotional pain.  

Now, thanks to Ken’s guidance around what it actually means to be responsible, I realize what I used to think of as my responsible adult is still welcome in my life, as well as the actual responsible adult.   

Being integrated means my fun-loving inner child, who is free from concern, can exist at the same time as my responsible adult.  The inner child gets to be fully expressed because my responsible adult has things under control.

I get the privilege of being responsible AND I get to have fun doing it!

One of my favorite exercises is the mingle, where the highest version of ourselves, our big S Self, holds conversations with every piece of ourselves.  Much like the learning in the Internal Family Systems Therapy, there are no bad parts.  Getting in touch with our misguided helpers, Saboteurs or the Shadow in other forms of this work, and allowing those voices to be heard and accepted is enough to allow them to relax.  When these Saboteurs are accepted as protectors and have their needs met, their power over you diminishes.  It’s not easy at first to pay attention to the needs of our misguided helpers after a lifetime of demonizing them, yet understanding what their needs are allows them to relax and relinquish control to our responsible adult.  To kill a piece of the Self is to kill the whole, to bury a piece of the Self is to give it more power, not less. 

There is so much more packed into the IAM program, one article isn’t enough to cover it.  I have greater control over myself, my thoughts, my actions, and my life than I ever had before.  I am finding I am able to enjoy being responsible, even if being responsible is boring.  The learning from the course is a piece of me that can’t be forgotten, it is far different learning than your typical concept memorization, head only knowledge we are used to.  This learning is experiential, seeps into your bones, and continues to evolve weeks and months after the course is over.

I can’t thank Ken Mossman and Irv Kooris enough for taking me on this journey.  There is little doubt that everyone I touch, my wife and kids especially, will benefit from me having done this work.  To become the best version of myself in service of others is a priceless gift. 

Here is what some others from the course had to say:

“The IAM program is a great way to connect with yourself and a cohort of great guys, the mix of open conversation, guided meditations/exercises, and debriefs with other guys in the group allows for a truly deep experience.  Ken and Irv provide great insight in such a seamless, conversational way, I frequently found myself being pushed into the depths of my emotions which strengthened the impact of the course.  I feel grateful to have found IAM, and am happy I took the leap to join the cohort!”  - Will Appleton, fellow IAM graduate

Check out Ken Mossman and the IAM program at KenMossman.com

To find out more about me and the coaching work I do, check out LeeaSmart.com

Thank you so much for reading!