“Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.” - Jordan Peterson
“My motivation is gone this week, I just don’t know where my energy went.” Jane* started our weekly check-in call looking like she was carrying twenty invisible monkeys on her back.
“Okay, tell me about it.” I said.
“Well, I have been trying to get my workouts in but haven't, meal prepping hasn’t gone well, I don’t think I have been eating enough of the right things, it really tastes bad but I’m eating it anyway.” She replied.
“What else is going on?”
She braced her body as if there was a storm gust about to blow her over. “Well, there’s dance class for the girls. We have two different birthday parties at the same time, but they are an hour from each other. I have to get prepared for an event in two days and I haven’t done any work on it yet. We have new regulations at work and everything is piling up and that is super stressful right now.”
She paused. I asked, “What else?”
Her eyes rolled up in thought. “The kids and I were all sick last week. My husband is working swing shifts so I have no help with the kids and I miss him. It is so difficult getting time to myself when he’s gone.”
“Anything else?”
“No, I think that’s it,” she huffed. It looked like a few of those monkeys jumped off her back.
“Ok,” I started, “Did you figure out where all your energy went?”
Her smile said, ‘Yeah, you got me’. I smiled my best ‘I know’ right back at her.
Jane is just like the vast majority of the caretakers out there. The teachers, nurses, service providers, parents, and business owners that pour out their souls until they are empty. When I ran my first business, I would work from 5am to 6pm minimum so I could handle all the promises I made. I felt like I couldn’t say no out of fear of losing customers. I put myself in a corner that forced me to neglect my wife, my kids, and maybe most of all, myself.
We caretakers have a dark side. It shows up when we empty ourselves. We become tired of meeting everyone else’s needs and become resentful. In response, we become angry with the world and do things we normally wouldn’t. For example, I went from being happy to see customers walk in the door to getting pissed when the phone would ring. Jane gives tongue lashings, letting her vehemence boil over until her feelings show up as veiled passive aggressive insults to anyone unlucky enough to cross her path. I self-destruct using various forms of addictive behavior and withdraw from the people I love.
We act out of character for who we want to be, then we loathe ourselves. Jane feels like she is a poor mother. I personally feel shameful that I’m not a ‘strong’ man who can stand unmoved in the face of every adversity. ‘What’s wrong with me?’ we think. ‘Why can’t I get it right?’ Why does life seem so damn difficult? Where do I find the time to do everything I need to do?
Jane mentioned that she just doesn’t have time for herself. My response to her was, “You know, you are right. Nobody doing the adult thing ever has any time.” Somehow we expect some magical time fairy to arrive with a smiley box filled with extra hours.
What we believe to be a battle for time is actually a battle for priorities. What is most important takes precedence. We have to prioritize what serves us, and guard that time with the intensity of a momma bear guarding her cubs. We chart our course and constantly correct. The tide of life responsibilities will take us to destinations we did not plot for ourselves if we let it. Our time gets filled for us unless we have something more important in place.
When I encouraged Jane to take care of herself first, the weight on her shoulders both lifted and became heavier. She felt guilty for even thinking about telling others no. That thought of ‘what kind of mom am I, if I’m not sacrificing myself for my kids’ popped up.
These thoughts are very common. Am I doing enough? Are there more options I haven’t thought of? Are things as good as they could be?
Am I enough?
Thankfully we already had a few wins built up in the months before. She had taken small steps like setting an hour or two aside for taking care of herself every week. We call it ‘me night’. She noticed she was a better person when she did. She approached situations from a calmer frame of mind, repeating the mantra, “I’ve got this.” She was nicer to her husband and kids. She had more energy, therefore was more productive.
Thanks to life’s pressure, she temporarily forgot that taking better care of herself lead to her taking better care of those around her. When I reminded her of this, her conviction for ‘me night’ strengthened. She has also started to forgive herself for being human, for coming up a little short every now and then. Self-care is easy to de-prioritize when life is coming at us full speed every single day.
If you want to be the best version of yourself in service of others, sometimes you have to be selfish. It feels terrible at first. As we continue to practice being selfish, we find that the time we do have is of a greater quality. We become better spouses, parents, friends, and leaders. We become more focused, grounded, and productive.
Become stronger to better lift others.
One cannot pour from an empty vessel. You deserve more. The people you serve need you to take care of you.
Be selfish to be selfless.
*Name changed to protect identity
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Email me: Lee@LeeASmart.com
Thanks for reading! I greatly appreciate you!
Lee Aaron Smart
Professional Coach
Great piece Lee! Loved it. Such a good JP quote too.
Perfect picture for the article!