Breaking Free from the DIY Trap

When Self-Reliance Becomes Self-Sabotage

How did I become a hyper self-reliant do-it-yourselfer who frequently self-sabotages because I can’t ask for help? It started in childhood.

I flew up the side of the eight foot tall locked fence, grabbed the top with my hands, and kicked off to swing my legs up and over.

This day was an unlucky one.

My toe clipped the top of the fence just hard enough to pull my legs out from under me. I twisted in mid-flight, falling the eight feet down to land with my back flat on the hard packed dirt.

My diaphragm seized. I attempted to gasp, but couldn’t. My ability to breathe ceased.

I panicked.

Adrenaline rush activated, I popped off the ground and sprinted inside to get help from my mom. My soothing sanctuary of safety happened to be on the phone. I had tears streaming down my face when I approached her, still unable to breathe or speak.

She stuck her hand in my face and said, “not now, go away!”

Message received. My needs don’t matter and I have to take care of myself. Enter fear of rejection. Enter lack of trust in others.

While this memory is one of my most vivid, it is only one of thousands of times I was left to take responsibility for myself, long before I was mature enough to be responsible.

Looking back, it makes sense why I ended up a hardcore do-it-yourselfer. I developed into a hyper self-reliant tough guy who refused to seek help from anyone in any way. Why ask for help when I could do it myself? I didn’t think I could rely on anyone else anyway, and I don’t think I could have handled being rejected again.

So I just did it all myself.

Fix my own household appliances…check

Fix my own car…check

Build my own furniture…check

Build my own home shop…check

Run my own business…check

Rebel against authority and do things my way just to prove I don’t need your help…check

When my mechanic business started flourishing around 2017, I purchased an old shop built in the 1960s, located in a great spot. The paint was faded and peeling, the structure was rotten in places, and the concrete was a jagged mix of heights and finishes. I hired a construction company to replace some of the concrete with thicker and better reinforced concrete so that it would meet the specifications for my newer and heavier duty vehicle lifts. I jumped in and got to work right next to the crew I hired.

Instead of working on my business -or- in my business, I was doing menial labor next to the people I hired to do the concrete because I don’t need any help. Can you believe the company neither paid me nor gave me a discount on the job?

Technician, Salesman, Janitor, Accountant, Marketer, Building Maintenance, Secretary, I did it all. The entire business bottle-necked through me until something broke and I was forced to get help. One time I forgot to tighten the bolts on someone’s brakes because I had to answer the door in the middle of the repair. Luckily I found out on my test drive and only had to replace a damaged wheel. It could have been much worse if I had not caught it before the customer picked up their vehicle. That’s when I hired my first technician.

A few years later my wife and I bought ten acres in a heavily wooded rural area. We decided to purchase a mobile home to live in while we prepared the property for a house. I ran all the plumbing, 550 feet from the road to the house by myself, sloshing through the mud to do it.

Instead of paying someone to create the dirt pad the mobile home would sit on, I also decided to do that myself, despite also working 60 hours a week at the shop. I didn’t trust the mobile home company to get it “right.”

After the home was set up, it rained. Water pooled under the Northeast corner of the home, which would quickly cause the house to sink and rot. Thanks to my exhaustion, I had miscalculated the slope needed to drain the water. Now, I had to fix my mistake using a shovel instead of a tractor, because the home was already in place.

The concrete event and the mud puddle home event started me wondering why I was working so hard for so little return. I lived everyday running around putting my hands on everything, thinking if it was going to be done right, I had to do it.

I was exhausted. I was coming close to a nervous breakdown.

I was sick and tired not getting rewarded for my efforts and somehow knew deep down I was my own worst enemy. I knew I needed help and didn’t know how to receive it. I knew that if I wanted to do great things I needed other people, yet I had no idea how to be a leader. I had no idea how to trust others and allow them to take care of my needs.

My body finally gave out on me. I lost 40 pounds in three months and was experiencing severe chest pains. After suffering a hospitalization because of burnout, exhaustion, and near life threatening health problems, I hired a coach. I kept reading in trade magazines and listening to podcasts about how a coach helped other people turn their business and life around. Hiring a coach helped me see that if I wanted to build something amazing, it was going to take help from others. We looked at what actions created the most forward progress in my business, and compared that to where I was actually spending my time.

I spent many hours a week doing my own bookkeeping, and that generated zero revenue for me. After hiring a bookkeeper, I freed up at least a dozen hours every month. After doing the math on how much money I was able to make with that extra time, my mind finally broke open. In the past, I thought I was saving $200 when I did my own bookkeeping. What I found out was it was costing me nearly $800 because my attention wasn’t spent on higher leverage actions like getting more work in the door or getting the existing work out the door so I could get paid.

I also hired an oil change technician to change the oil in our customer’s vehicles. I was doing the oil changes, which I should have been paying myself thirty dollars each in labor for, which was more than the total price of the oil change. I was costing my business money left and right by being a hardcore do-it-yourselfer.

Slowly, but surely, I started noticing that wealthy people’s greatest wealth was the ability to choose what they did with their time, because they were able to delegate tasks and focus on higher leverage strengths. I was unable to have free time because I was unable to trust that others would take care of my needs. All my time was spent putting out fires and tackling emergencies that took me away from the activities I was best suited to perform, like growing my employees capabilities to be more productive, and focusing on marketing to bring more work in the door.

While my do-it-yourself tendencies are deeply ingrained, more and more I rely on others to take care of what they are good at so I can do what I’m good at. More gets done with less mistakes and retakes. I have more free time to spend on my hobbies and free energy to spend with my family.

Just because I needed to be self-reliant in the past, doesn’t mean I need to do it all myself now. Learning how to ask for help is difficult, because what if they tell me no and I get rejected again?

If I ask for help, the answer might be no. If I don’t ask for help, the answer is always no.

Not asking for anything in return gets nothing in return.

Another lesson I’ve learned is behavior is determined by beliefs and patterns that started years ago. My need to be hyper self-reliant was born of neglect from my childhood. This deeply held belief exists far below the level of consciousness, and it took an outside perspective to bring it to the top for examination.

Even though I’m just now digging to the root cause of my need to be a do-it-yourselfer, I didn’t need to understand why before making better choices. I started asking for help more often eight years ago. I am only just now connecting the dots on why that need to be hyper self-reliant started, as described in the first story in this article.

Seeking help has led to some amazing relationships and awesome experiences I never would have dreamed possible. That has been far more valuable to me than being the guy who can do-it-all-myself, and never needs to rely on anyone. Synergy means 1+1 = 3, or 5, or even 100. The That’s a Great Point! podcast I am a part of wouldn’t be possible without my co-hosts. TAGP! #25 Transformation with Sam House

The last word before I leave you, I have been able to forgive my mom after becoming a parent myself. One day I snapped at one of my kids because I was overwhelmed and didn’t have the presence of mind to be there in my child’s time of need. I later apologized, but the hardest part has been forgiving myself for knowing better and acting outside of my “ideal” state. Because I should know better, right?

Well, the good news is I’m still human. Another fucking growth opportunity always exists as long as I’m above the ground. Change takes time and grace. We are never stuck and can choose the life we wish to create. All it takes is being aware and being willing to take different steps forward.

We may just need a helping hand to do-it-ourself! Let’s start a DIO revolution while we crank some Ronnie James Dio tunes.

Thanks for reading.

Dio - Rainbow In The Dark (Official Music Video) [HD]