Ditch the Overwhelm

Rebel Against the Norm - Beat Busy - Get Your Shit Together

I used to wear my overwhelm like a badge of honor.  Look at me, I’m so busy.  I’m not a lazy piece of shit, I promise.  I’m productive.  I’m a good boy!

I would run around like a crackhead on a bender, touching everything, accomplishing little.  At the end of the day, if my wife wanted to have a conversation or my kids wanted to play, I couldn’t handle it because I didn’t have enough energy left.     

I would get home from work and be highly irritable.   I would lay in bed for hours worrying over all the things I didn’t do that day and all the things I needed to do the next day.  If I passed out from exhaustion, my sleep would end abruptly at 3am, long before I was ready to get the day started.  My energy would run out at 9am those days.

These behaviors lasted for years.  I burnt out so hard I ended up in the hospital.  All the activity wasn’t getting me what I wanted in life either.  I was stuck in the never-ending churn of the rat race where doing one task would cause two others to grow in its place, much like the hydra of Greek myth.  

Once I started to use the principles listed below, two big things started happening–I was calmer throughout the day, and I started seeing my goals turn into reality.  My business went from making 10k a week to 40k a week.  I had more free time to write the novel I had in my head for years.  (That novel was terrible and will never see the light of day.  I wrote it guilt free, though.)

Here are some of the principles I used to find peace and freedom in my life.

Principle #1 Get Very Clear On Your Yes

Dreaming big is the American way.  We want it all.  The house, the cars, the body, to take our kids to all the classes, to make all the money, travel to exotic locations, the grand vacations, etc.  We also want to stop suicide, cure mental illness, stop world hunger, and start world peace as hobbies.  It’s impossible to do it all, much less do it all at once.  

We aren’t facing decisions of good vs bad.  The real decisions are choosing between good options and the things that serve our greater purpose.   

One higher purpose you may hold is to be a great parent.  The choice between being a great provider and showing up for quality time will present itself.  If it isn’t clear that quality time with your kids is more important than work obligations, it is easy to succumb to the pressure of working overtime. 

Saying yes to your values means you must say no to everything else.  Being very clear on what you value makes this an easier decision.  Make commitments when you are at your best and in a good mood.  Stick to that commitment when things are difficult and emotions are out of control.  

Most people change their decisions when life gets hard.  Don’t be that person.  Stick to your “yes” like peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth.   

Principle #2 Have the Balls to Say No

Life will hand you disruptions.  People will make demands of you.  It is easy to live in fear of letting other people down or proving that you are good enough.  Capitulating to every demand made of you means your time is spent placating others.  

It feels risky to tell people no.  What if we offend them?  What if they won’t like us anymore?  

The paradox of saying no means you will be respected more even though a few won’t like it at first.  The people who usually get whatever they want from you will be offended.  

Over time, most people will respect your new boundaries and envy you for sticking to them.  The people that don’t respect your boundaries need to learn to fend for themselves anyway, so you are helping them by telling them no.

Gather your courage and exercise your right to say no.  It works like a muscle.  The more you say no, the stronger you get at sticking to your guns.     

Principle #3 Plan Your Day, Everyday

My coach forced me, through emotional abuse (insert laughing emoji here), to start planning my day everyday.  The habit developed slowly at first.  I resisted because it seemed unimportant to have those planning sessions.  I thought I could keep it all in my head.

One day I took my wonderful wife on a kayaking trip.  We were thirty minutes into our trip and I started to worry over tasks I needed to complete.  Without conscious effort, I dismissed those worrying thoughts because I trusted my planning system to catch them.  

For the first time in years, I was able to freely enjoy a fun time as if I were a kid again.  We laughed, cut up, and joked freely without the dread of forgotten responsibility creeping in.

When you have a system you can trust it frees up mental bandwidth for other things.  The only way to trust your system is to use it regularly.  

Get your tasks out of your head.  The more room you free up in your head, the more peace of mind you will have. 

Principle #4 Leave Some Free Time

Mistakes are as certain as dear Aunt Edna getting drunk and loud at the family Christmas party, rubbing her old lady stench on everyone she just has to hug on.  

Having the free space in your schedule to deal with the inevitable problems that pop up gives you the peace of mind needed to tackle the day in a calm and cool manner.  

Much like driving to a destination, if you have open space to deal with traffic jams and construction, it can keep the pressure of showing up on time low. I used to road rage when things didn’t go my way and obstacles were making me late.  Now I plan enough time to take scenic highways and enjoy the trip while listening to podcasts and audiobooks.  What was a stressful experience became enjoyable.

Play is the best way to let your nervous system know that everything is okay.  Schedule time to have open ended play and spontaneous adventures.  Your psyche depends on it. 

Principle #5 Shine a Light On Your Monster

Like a monster in a dark closet, problems that live in your head grow out of proportion.  Stop and spend some time thinking.  Get the ideas and must-dos out of your head and look at them.  Just like that monster in the closet, anxieties are never as scary as they seem when they are lurking in the dark corners of your mind.  Shine a light on them to diminish their power over you.  

Another coach told me a story of a client who was afraid to start his business.  

“I’m not ready to quit my job,” the client said.  

The coach asked, “Okay, what’s the first thing you would do if you quit your job?”  

“Huh.  File the LLC, I guess.”

“Okay, do you need to quit your job to do that?”

“No.”

Big problems become small when you get your thoughts out of your head and they are far easier to see.

Principle #6 Live Your Genius and Quit Doing Everything Yourself 

High-performing people seem to think that because they can, they should.  It requires leadership skills to get other people to do what you want them to do in a satisfactory way.  We aren’t born with leadership skills, we have to learn them.  When we don’t learn them, it is impossible to get others to do the things we need them to do.

As a business owner, I felt I had to do my own bookkeeping.  It’s easy to save a few dollars by doing it myself.  It would take hours out of my week.  Saving $100 kept me from making $1000, so I lost $900 instead of saving $100.  When I realized how much it cost me, I hired a bookkeeper.  My bank account started to grow and my psyche was free to tackle higher-leverage tasks.

Everyone has their own personal strengths and weaknesses.  When we exercise our own personal strengths and let others do what we are weak at, all involved benefit.  The drummer doesn’t need to know how to solo on guitar.  Bands are amazing because the members have expertise in different areas and then mesh those different skills together to make something together.  

Find the people who live in their zone of genius and create a community where everyone boosts each other.  For those of us who want to do it all, the more we try to do, the more diluted our impact.  Concentrate your focus to magnify your impact.  Trust and allow others to do their part.  

Principle #7 Communicate Your Needs Clearly

I learned of a principle called Covert Contracts.  Many of us learned to have expectations of others that they are just “supposed to know”.  When others don’t live up to expectations that live in our head, we are let down.  Why, oh why can’t these people just read our minds and get it right?  

I raise my hand in guilt.  I used to walk around thinking everyone was stupid.  I stayed pissed at the world because the people I counted on would always let me down.  My ego took a tremendous hit when I learned about the concept of Expectations vs. Agreements.

A far more effective method to get things done is to communicate in agreements.  For example, if I take my vehicle into a mechanic with a check engine light, I get an agreement stating that the repair work estimate will fix my check engine light at the stated charge, even if they get it wrong.  If they refuse to agree to those terms, we agree together that my business is best taken somewhere else before they get started.  Like Stephen Covey says, it’s win-win or no deal.

Communication is key to almost every problem we have in all aspects of our lives.  A trick I picked up for my relationships is to name unease even if I can’t put words to what I am uneasy about.  My wife would notice my discontent at times and ask what’s wrong.  I couldn’t put words to what was wrong because it wasn’t clear in my head yet.  It was just a feeling I couldn’t interpret.  (This is where emotional intelligence comes in.)  

Just stating “I am not sure, I’ll let you know when I figure it out” was enough to keep the stories in her head from spiraling out of control.

One huge piece of communication is understanding.  We all have different experiences we filter our thoughts through.  This leads to different conclusions being drawn from the same series of words.  The only way to ensure your message is received is to have it repeated back to you.  Leaders must ask for repetition until it is certain communication has taken place.  

When I was a boy, my dad told me to “clean the boat and tear out the carpet.”  He meant to tear the carpet out of the house.  When he found me tearing the carpet out of the boat, he was a little upset.  Never assume understanding has taken place.   

Principle #8 Fix your environment

When my mental state is in disarray, my physical environment becomes a chaotic mess.  The more off-kilter my mental space, the more my work environment piles up with clutter.   I’m not sure if it’s a chicken or egg scenario.  I do know that when I stop for a while and put order to my physical environment, my mind will slow down and become better focused.

Our environments are systems in themselves.  The more order in our space, the more mental space we free in our heads.  Clutter stresses the mind.  

Many of us grew up poor and have a scarcity mindset.  We believe we will never have enough, therefore we hoard as much junk as we can in an effort to convince ourselves we are going to be okay.  I realized that every new thing I acquired took energy from me to keep track of it and maintain it.  Getting rid of one thing after another and organizing the rest continuously brings me great relief.   

Principle #9 Take Care of Your Body

If you had a million-dollar race horse, I sincerely doubt you would let it stay up late at night drinking and smoking.  You wouldn’t feed it doughnuts and fast food.  You wouldn’t cause it unnecessary stress that would stop it from performing to the best of its ability. 

If I gave you a billion dollars today and you couldn’t wake up tomorrow, that money would lose its value. 

Your body is worth infinitely more than a billion dollars.  This became painfully clear to me when I lost my health.  I would have given anything and everything I had worked so hard for away if I could just get out of that hospital bed and go ride bikes with my kids.  Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for taking care of.  

You have one body.  Treat it like you were given the car of your dreams, but you can never have another car again, ever.   

Principle #10 Talk to Someone Who Listens

The first problem is never the real problem.  Most people are very good at giving advice to solve the first complaint that pops up.  That well-intentioned advice always falls short of being effective.  

The real problem lies deeper than surface level every time.  A great listener can help you dig to the root of the problem and vanquish it once and for all.  The very act of speaking your thoughts out loud helps to shine the light on your monster.  

The only sure thing in life is it will have painful moments.  Being human is hard.  I have come to believe the most valuable thing we can hear in those dark times is “Yes, me too.”  Those words can feel like someone has popped the relief valve on a pressure cooker.

Asking for help feels like weakness.  It was an epiphany for me when I realized most people actually want to help.  There are tons of people, myself included, who gain our sense of importance from being the hero.  I love to help people through difficult times.  It makes me feel great.  Nothing makes me happier than seeing the weight we carry around removed from people’s shoulders.

Conclusion

Life can be hard.  It is not supposed to be a constant struggle.  If you are consistently stressed and overwhelmed, you are doing it wrong.  That is fine.  I was there too.  I thought being stressed was normal.  

Work hard if you want to reach your goals is the war cry of the success driven.  Arnold said, "Why would I bust my ass like that if it wasn't fun?" Hard work and being overwhelmed aren’t the same thing. You can work hard and enjoy it.   

Having this knowledge means nothing if you don’t act on it.  Reading a book won’t help you ride a bicycle, it only helps you ride it better.  Get to work using these principles, and you can finally pull your shit together.

Special thanks to

C.A. Green

and my amazing wife for their invaluable feedback and editing on this piece! These two people have been more helpful to me in the last few months than I feel I deserve. Never-ending gratitude to you.