Sitting around the dinner table, I remember telling my wife and 3 pre-teen children a story about someone calling me “very intense.” My son, 9 years old at the time, turned to me and said, “you are pretty scary.” This is not the first or last time I have heard something similar. It makes me ask the question, how am I showing up in my life that I would invoke such reactions? It is certainly not my intention. I, like most people, want to be liked, trusted, respected, and maybe most of all, deeply connected to people. I have found managing the grumpy old codger that lives in my head requires that I set intention based on values, take care of my body to keep my energy high, and take care of my mind to maintain a positive mood.
What is Showing Up?
I have a close relative who walks into a room and everybody else leaves. She is hunched over, the weight of life seeming to sink her body downwards. She always wears a scowl and is quick to point out all the wrongs that have oppressed her. She has no friends and is rarely invited to family gatherings. She is the kind of person that can light up a room by leaving it.
I have another close relative who lights up with a smile every time I see her. She is quick to express gratitude and is genuinely interested in how I have been. I wish to spend as much time with her as I can because she is authentically happy. Hopefully some of her happiness will rub off on me, and I can learn to emulate her. I have a genuine fondness and respect for her.
One’s presence in life, in my experience, is an expression of who we are and what we are feeling at our core. If someone is genuinely happy, they will show up with a smile and a sense of attractiveness. A miserable person will show up miserably, subconsciously driving people away from them. Our body language is a direct mirror of how we feel on the inside. Imagine someone like me, who has a scowl on their face, body hunched over in pain, arms crossed because I am socially anxious, facing slightly away. Now imagine my gym bro years, flared out and puffed up like a peacock. Or when I went to the middle school dance, standing in the corner, eyes downcast, shoulders slumped. Do any of these seem inviting?
I think of times in the not too distant past when I would show up to work hungover with very little sleep. I would lash out at people because I was cranky. The quality of my work suffered because my thoughts were muddy. I don’t think it necessary to explain the difference between that and showing up sober after a good night’s rest. How we treat our body and mind has a direct effect on how we Show Up. How do I choose to take control of how I Show Up?
Setting Intent
Setting our intent of who we want to be is possibly the most powerful exercise available to us. Thinking of an avatar that we resonate with will allow access to the subconscious of what is important to us. Is there a person in your life, a historical figure, a fictional character, or a version of yourself at your best who you look up to as an ideal? What values are being expressed when you think of this ideal avatar? I asked a salesperson in training, “Who do you think would be a better salesperson, Eeyore or Winnie the Pooh?”
To illustrate the power of the avatar: I have a virtuoso guitarist, “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott from the band Pantera, I think about when I take things too seriously. He said once, “most people take this shit seriously, to me it’s one big jack-off session.” This is an excellent reminder to me that I can be the best at something and have fun doing it. I am also reminded to relax my perfectionistic traits. This quote brings my values of fun, humor, excellence, honesty, and self-expression to the top of my mind. This avatar reminds me to live with these values with less effort than thinking of each individually.
When thinking about parenting, I focus on my values of discipline, fun, presence, and compassion, modeled by my positive relative. When I think of my work as a success and wellness coach, I value wisdom. Do I have the wisdom to model my coach and shut the hell up, listen, and truly connect with whom I am working in the name of service? I also value honesty. Will I Show Up and be honest with my words in the name of service or placate to smooth over sensitive feelings? By focusing on the values I do want, I lessen the impact of my default intensity and scariness.
The Impact of Energy and Mood
My miserable relative leads a lifestyle common to most Americans today. She eats tons of processed food, sits most of the day, and feeds her brain a stream of news and soap operas. She ingests loads of medication, smokes tobacco and marijuana, and has very little social engagement. She complains constantly that she is in pain or is exhausted.
My happy relative only eats food that “is touched by the sun”, exercises regularly, avoids drugs of all kinds, and has a thriving social life. She consumes material of a positive nature. She is vibrant and energetic, which is reflected in how she interacts with the world.
It is true what the guru’s say, a healthy body is 100% necessary to have a healthy mind and vice versa, as proven by my hungover self. When I stay healthy, I openly engage with others, I complain less, and I am far quicker with witty comments and jokes. Laughter is right at the surface of my presence when I feel good. When I do the things necessary to make myself fully energized and confident, I feel better internally. My body language directly mirrors how I feel on the inside.
The words that come out of our mouth reflect what is top of mind. Listening to the doom and gloom of the news makes me wary of all the bad things going on around the world. This is a completely different mindset than when I feed my brain literature like How to Win Friends and Influence People or Emerson’s essay on Self-Reliance. What is top of mind is relevant in our speech—garbage in, garbage out. In the past when someone asked how I was, my response was typically something like, “Jesus hates me.” My current self would feel compelled to kick my past self’s ass to the curb for being a whiny victim.
In Conclusion
What avatar or avatars reflect who you want to be? What areas of life can you be more conscious of your intent? How do you want to Show Up as a parent, spouse, friend, or co-worker? What values are important when you do the work you were put on this earth to do? Are you taking care of your body and mind to Show Up energetically and in a good mood? These are not rhetorical questions. I highly recommend journaling or talking to a coach to answer these questions. My coach helped me Show Up in alignment with my values. I still struggle with it every day though. The work is never done, and I will never quit doing it. My family is too important to me.
How we Show Up determines our fate, our destiny. We get what we want, or attract things we don’t want, based on how we present ourselves to the world. We invite people in or drive them away with our state of being. How we Show Up depends on multiple factors including intent, energy due to bodily health, and the thoughts we keep in our mind. The food and substances we put in our body, the inputs we allow in to feed our thoughts, and the physical exercise we do all play significant roles in the quality of the life we lead. I find that the more I stack the deck in my favor, the more likely I get the outcomes I desire. Luck favors the prepared. So, I ask, how are you Showing Up?
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