How to Ruin Perfectly Good Relationships

Part 1... From Problem Seeker to Treasure Hunter

Have you ever noticed how the traits that irritate you in others often mirror what you don’t like about yourself?  Yeah, me too.  A piece of myself I thought I grew out of started creeping back in due to some recent stressful situations.  My inner critic, the problem seeker in me, has stealthily re-entered stage right, making life for my wife and kids less than optimal.

I have a certain set of relatives, as I imagine many of us can relate(tee-hee), who are very difficult to want to spend time with.  Loving as they are, it’s impossible to have a conversation with them that doesn’t include a problem they are experiencing, a character flaw about someone else, or inevitable scoffing.  I find I have to brace myself mentally before gathering with said loved ones, as if leaving shelter to face a gale force thunderstorm, entering a litany of ‘what were they thinkings’ or ‘what is wrong with you’s.’  

No one ever said, “Hey, let’s go hang out with Paul, he does a great job at making us feel like we can’t do anything right.  He is so good at criticizing, shooting holes in all our fun ideas, and making us feel stupid.”

I raise my hand in guilt, for I too used to live this way.  For me, it’s based in negative thinking, which is a survival trait.  If we look for problems in the world, we are more likely to avoid them.  The problem with looking for problems is problems are exactly what we will see.  Negative thinking, or problem focused thinking, becomes habitual, and who are we but a collection of our habits?  The thoughts we keep in our heads, even if unspoken, seep out to flavor the soup of our life like marrow seeps out of the bone.

We humans are incredibly sensitive to body language and the energy people project.  We intuitively sense and get deeper feelings about other people, even if what we feel doesn’t make logical sense.  Empathy is an animalistic superpower designed to help us sense danger or seek out survival partners(Otherwise known as friends and mates).  

What does this mean?  Other people can feel what we keep inside us.  Much like business branding, when others think of us or imagine our face, the feelings we are associated with come with it.  What does it do to someone’s self-esteem if all they ever feel reflected back from you is their shortcomings?

Summarizing up till now, if you are always looking for the negative, that is exactly what you will see.  If that’s all you see, that is all you will think.  If that is all you think, that is what you will associate with.  If that is all you associate with, that is all you will be associated with.  Therefore, when someone thinks of you, they will automatically associate you with negativity, negative thoughts, and negative feelings.  Your name will cause negative feelings to automatically rise in others.  If you make others feel that way, they will subconsciously avoid you. 

Thinking negative thoughts causes us to be associated with negative feelings, creating a barrier preventing deep meaningful relationships.

Most people seem to think, “Well, that’s just how I am.”  I thought so too.  That was until I changed myself into someone who started to notice the good things instead of always looking for problems.  How, you ask?  I started looking for the good rather than the negative by installing a gratitude practice.  Much like buying a green Honda and then noticing that green Honda everywhere, purposefully looking for good things primes us to start seeing more good.  Personally, I practice gratitude in two ways. I will write five random, small things to be thankful for in my journal every morning, and my wife, kids, and I will take turns saying one thing out loud every night before bed.  

Because my life recently threw me some curveballs and I allowed it to disrupt my normal practice, I started focusing solely on the problems that caused the disruption.  Old habits creeped back in like grass over the sidewalk, slowly changing my focus back to problem based thinking.  I started noticing myself becoming hyper critical of my wife and kids, pointing out every little fault and complaining about every minor disturbance, instead of recognizing their beautiful parts.

To create great relationships, people need to be treated like a gold mine.  You don’t go into a gold mine looking for the dirt, you go in looking for the gold.

I’m reminded that life sucks and people are horrible if that is what I’m looking for, and life is beautiful and people are amazing if that is what I’m looking for.  My loved ones mean too much to me to treat them like dirt, for they are far more valuable to me than a mountain of gold.

What are the people in your life worth to you?