Selling Is Like Sex

An Irreverent Guide to Consistently Get What You Want

Some time ago, I took my vehicle to a dealership for a malfunction.  I described my issue to the service manager in great detail.  They called me later with their ransom letter, otherwise known as an estimate, and they followed the sales script word for word.  

“Are you sure this will take care of my problem?” I asked.  He replied with another cleverly thought-out sales objection script letting me know how much better my life would be if I took great care of my vehicle.  Against my better judgment, I okayed the work.  You all know the rest of the story.  They got my money and ‘fixed’ everything but my issue.  I felt used, violated, angry, and insignificant. 

Some time after the dealership incident, I was in conversation with a business coach who has more than a decade of experience than me.  He asked me questions with genuine curiosity, digging to the root of my problem in my business.  The way he articulated my pain back to me proved he possessed a deep understanding of my issue.  He helped me set out a clear path to solving my problem and offered to provide ongoing support.  

At no point did he ask me for money.  The experience was so valuable I found I wanted to reciprocate, give him my money, and continue the relationship.  

That is when it hit me–selling is like sex.

Society bombards us with ads, marketing campaigns, and sales scripts embedded with clever psychological ploys designed to peel back the folds of our wallets and gain access to the precious goods within.

People think selling is dirty, much like some people think sex is dirty.  It’s easy to see why.  I know I am sick of sales pitches from people who are only in it for themselves.   What’s worse is when we fall for the psychological ploys, and leave without receiving value, it feels like someone has taken advantage of us.  It is like we were used and left on a corner somewhere, trust violated, angry because we were an insignificant means to an end.

Well-performed selling, like sex, comes from a mutually beneficial relationship.  Both parties show each other respect and leave satisfied.  Poor selling feels like someone is trying to take something from you whether you like it or not.  One party is bound to leave disappointed and frustrated.

Poor Selling #1 - Expectation

Bar scene  You are at the bar.  A highly charismatic, good-looking person sits next to you and starts chatting.  They wow you with language.  They stir your desires.  Something feels a little off, but you can’t quite put your finger on it.  They promise that everything will be great.  Against your better judgment, you take them home.  They hop on, get theirs, and leave faster than your brain can process it.  You are left unsatisfied, frustrated, and disillusioned.

Sales and Expectations

Buying products or services that don’t quite live up to expectations can leave one wanting.  It’s like buying a laptop that can turn into a tablet, but it’s so heavy it hurts to hold it in less than three minutes.  The reality just doesn’t live up to the marketing hype.  Unmet expectations put us on guard for future transactions.  

We have all been duped and it hurts, so we don’t want to be the person doing the duping.  We don’t want to be the person who over-promises and under-delivers.  We will hesitate in marketing ourselves or selling our services because of it.  We are afraid of looking like the charismatic blowhard who leaves the prospect wanting.  

When we don’t believe in ourselves, our products, or our services, we lack the confidence necessary to sell.  We subconsciously hold back on bringing the thunder necessary to convince people we are sincere about serving their needs.  If we aren’t convinced ourselves, how do we have a chance of convincing others?  This idea is part of the root of imposter syndrome.      

Poor Selling #2 - Desperation

Bar scene

 Back at the bar, someone walks up to you with their shoulders slumped, a pensive expression on their face.  Maybe they have some friends in the background goading them forward.  They wring their hands and reluctantly start a conversation.  “Hey uh, maybe uh, if it’s not too much trouble, I mean, pretty please, don’t go out of your way or anything, but uh, I really need to get some, so, uh, can we go back to my place, or ah yours, you know, …if that’s better for you?”   

Sales and Desperation

Feeling needy or desperate is another poor way to sell.  It’s creepy and sets people on the defensive.  It comes from a place of taking instead of giving.  It reminds me of a young man deep in the surge of lust created by hormones.  Many young men have an overwhelming need to spread the fruit of their loins.  He interacts from a place of desperation.  Somebody, please anybody, come use my product, or service…or me!  

It is easy to sense the desperation in others when they come from a place of need.  The target knows deep down the interaction is less about mutual satisfaction and more about meeting a predetermined goal–whether that goal is to get your rocks off or to reach the sales quota.

It is far better to come from a place of service.  People want to buy things.  People want to buy things even more if it will help them solve a problem they are having.  Solve their problems and make them look smart and sophisticated, and they will almost throw their money at you.  

Poor Selling #3 - Manipulation

Bar scene

Someone walks up to you and they seem quite suave.  Conversation starts, “I see you are quite lonely over here.  You are exceptionally lonely, aren’t you?  Yeah, you are.  I get it.  I get you.  No, we didn’t just meet, I’ve known you my whole life.  No, you don’t need those others.  They are bad for you.  Nobody else around here can make you less lonely than I can, nobody gets you like I do.  Sign this contract, I guarantee you’ll never be lonely again.  Now, come on home.  You know you need it.  You need me.”  

Maybe your drink has a roofie in it.  Maybe years of therapy are on the way.     

Sales and Manipulation

I attended a how-to-build-your-business course. It described a selling method using clever turns of phrase to heighten a prospect’s emotional state.  They train the salesperson to “dig into their emotions and surface their pains” and “hold the frame” so the only perspective the prospect can see is your product or service as the solution to ease their emotional turmoil.  The course said, “Make them admit that they do not have a solution to their problem” and that, “You are their only hope to solve their problem.”  

In other words, I should use psychological manipulation to make a person feel powerless so I can get my way.  It’s reminiscent of gaslighting which feels like I was being trained to take advantage of someone.  

The worst part about this, in my opinion, is these people are the ones who seem most trustworthy.  They give the appearance that they really are exactly what you want.  They will have huge warranties and guarantees.  They will speak to every core desire you have and find ways to agitate your pains.  They paint a picture of a utopian future that is just believable enough to seem real.  The minute you buy, it’s over.  You don’t exist anymore.  They scored and now you are as meaningless to them as the lint in their pockets.  

Alright, that was a lot.  Moving to a positive point of view.  

Well Performed Selling–Elation

Bar scene

You have been chatting with someone online for weeks, maybe months.  Every conversation feels electric.  Trust has started to build.  They get you.  You are hanging out at the bar and having a good time.  They say, “Want to come back to my place?” almost as if asking if you want dessert.  Hell yes you want dessert, right off their sexy body.  You wake up the next morning with a smile on your face.  What a night!  

Sales as Service

Good sex and well-performed selling come from creating mutual satisfaction.  Both parties agree that, yes, I really do want what you have.  The transactions are pleasurable for both sides.  If the relationship is really good, you keep coming back for more.  Both parties willingly meet the other’s needs.  This place of mutual benefit opens the possibility for great and magical moments.  Neither party is trying to convince the other of anything, it flows quite naturally.   

A great salesperson knows deep down they have what you want.  That confidence can be felt.  The certainty that I have what you want, take it or leave it and all will be fine, is subconsciously transmitted to the buyer.  It sells itself.

Great selling–and great sex–can only happen if there is mutual benefit from a healthy relationship.  All the greatest salespeople know this.  They show they care in various ways, like listening deeply to truly understand the needs of the client.  Salespeople have their client’s best interests at heart and do their best to meet those needs, even if it is sending them somewhere else.   

Car salesmen send handwritten birthday cards and ask about the kids.  They listen to what a person needs from a vehicle and deliver.  

Coaches are deeply invested in their clients' lives, where client success brings greater elation than personal success.  A personal client of mine won a best speaker award and it meant more to me than personally making 40k a week.

Conclusion

Selling and sex are as much or more about attitude and enthusiasm than

technique.  People buy the feeling you give them.  We don’t like to make mistakes and bad choices.  That is why confidence and certainty in a salesperson or a lover is so attractive.  It’s hard to fake true confidence.  

Selling done well will improve the lives of everyone involved.  It creates relationships that continue to benefit both parties.  Done poorly, it can leave a bad taste in your mouth, or a burning sensation in your pants.  Only some people like to get their ass burned.