Unveiling Coaching for Transformation

The Art and Science of Behavioral Change: Navigating Identity, Overcoming Obstacles, and Unlocking Potential

Photo by Austin Chan on Unsplash

Intro 

There is a boom in our world today.  Life coaches are popping up everywhere.  It’s for a good reason, too.  I meet people every week who have experienced transformations thanks to the support of a coach.  Those experiences are so life-changing that people are flocking to the profession en masse.  

 At the heart of coaching lies behavior change and goal achievement.  The following is my perspective of coaching acquired through years of practice followed by some case studies of some client transformations. 

If you wonder what a life coach does or if a life coach can help you reach your goals, keep on reading. 

What Coaching Is

Coaching is equal parts action and identity.  Coaching is becoming crystal clear on what we want to create in our life, identifying who we need to become to get there, and defining the actions that will create momentum towards achievement.  Amateur coaches, myself a short time ago, forget about the ‘who do I need to become’ part of the coaching equation.

One example of using identity in coaching:  One client, through various exercises we have done together, identifies as a ray of sunshine who comes to brighten and enlighten others.  He recently faced a pessimistic relative.  Instead of hopping on the habitual pity train, he asked himself what would the ray of sunshine do?  He asked the relative to find the silver lining in their cloud.  The act of seeking the good helped the relative find it.  Their outlook brightened.   

Coaching is breaking habitual behavior.  I told myself for years I needed to quit drinking daily.  I knew deep down I needed to, but I stayed stuck in the same old behavior loops.  It is human nature to stick with what feels comfortable and certain. The vision my coach and I created for my future didn’t include alcohol.  Coaching gave me the support structure to break the cycle.  

Coaching is so deeply knowing our yes, saying no becomes easy.  Knowing what not to do is how we get rid of the overwhelm.  Focusing our efforts finally starts to get us where we want to go because our work is concentrated into the full-strength, maximum-effective formula instead of being watered down.       

Coaching is standing shoulder-to-shoulder with someone, a loving companion holding on to the bicycle seat while you learn to pedal and balance the bike all on your own.  Coaching is centered in deep relationship first and foremost.  Only from a trusting relationship can a coach be effective.  

Coaching helps people reach outside of their comfort zone, so they can grow into the best version of themselves while having a safety net for when things become overwhelming.  

We create our identity based on the past.  Think of the words we use.  I’m lazy.  I’m not good at that.  I’m not enough.  I’m not skilled.  Once we label ourselves with an identity, our brain accepts the story we have created and turns off all other possibilities.  That identity controls the actions we take that lead us into our future.  Coaching helps us live into the identity we choose rather than staying stuck in an identity that does not serve us.  

I never realized how valuable having a non-judgmental guide speak tough-love-hard-truths to me could be until I experienced it.  We humans react emotionally and later give logical justifications for our actions after the decision was made.  A coach lovingly points out when we stray from our values, and gives us the room to course correct.  They rub our noses in our turds on the carpet, in a way we can accept we just had our noses covered in our own shit.  They call us on our shit.    

When I described to my coach, in serious tones, about how important having fun is to getting the life we want, he called me out on the discrepancy between my tone and my words.  It was a gentle reminder that I needed to live what I preach instead of just pontificating.

Coaching is getting to know our fears.  We have monsters in our closets, under our beds, and in our psyche.  Avoiding these monsters leads to fear based action.  Fear based action has us avoiding loss rather than seeking gain.  Coaching shines a light on these monsters to reveal them.  Revealing our monsters removes their power over us.

A great coach creates a safe space for us to fail and learn from those failures.  If we aren’t making mistakes then we aren’t growing and expanding.  Becoming our best version requires growth.  An organism that isn’t growing is dying.

Human nature is to develop survival mechanisms and coping strategies that guide us through dangers that life presents.  Our coping mechanisms stick with us as we continue to grow old.  Our behaviors are guided by these mechanisms.  In coaching we call this the ‘Saboteur’ or ‘The Shadow’(depending on what discipline studied).  Getting to know our saboteurs, or misguided helpers as I like to call them, allows us to live in choice rather than living reactively.

Coaching is creating a vision of what we want our future to be and setting aside emotionally reactive behavior so we can reach those goals.  Acting from states of desperation or depletion so we can numb ourselves or hide out keeps us from reaching our potential as human beings.  Coaching helps us to set our baser reactions aside to keep striving for the big picture.  Coaching is a huge step forward into self-mastery.

Coaching Comparisons

The fields of consulting, therapy, coaching, counseling, and mentoring are all very similar.  I have created a boat metaphor that helps to describe three of them.  There are areas where each field broadly overlaps, but here is the general consensus.  

Therapy and Counseling

A therapist or counselor helps you to patch the holes in your boat, so you can take it on the water without sinking.

A therapist’s focus is restoring normal functioning through emotional healing.  It is a focus on healing emotional wounds from the past.  Coaching is focusing on creating a future to live into, regardless of what lies in the past.  While it is important to note that therapists are better trained to handle deep emotional issues, coaches also deal in the realm of emotions.  To ignore emotion would be to ignore fundamental human nature.  

Consulting & Mentoring

A consultant or mentor helps you sail to a specific destination.  You pay a consultant to get you to that destination using the path they have created.  Great consultants have helped many other people sail to that destination.  A consultant is the captain.  You learn to captain by watching the consultant apply THEIR method.

Consultants are hired to diagnose issues and prescribe courses of action to be followed.  They typically have solved an issue themselves and have a structure or framework to be followed.  From my personal experience, consulting felt very cookie cutter, like being forced into a mold or box.   Consultants sell steps a, b, c, & d, but aren’t aware of whether the client needs step 27 a, b, c, & d or step 54 a, b, c, & d.  

The best coaches, in my opinion, have a little flavor of consulting in their practice.

Coaching

A coach helps you chart your destination and stands beside you while you navigate to that destination.  They support you in finding any potential obstacles that may veer you off course.  Perhaps most of all, they help you see that you are capable of being the captain.  A coach helps you become the captain of your ship and use YOUR method to traverse where you want to go.  Coaches run off of loose frameworks that are easily adaptable to the needs of the client.

What Coaching is Not

A life coach is not an expert who comes down from on high to download wisdom into your brain.  They are not here to give advice designed to magically deliver you from your troubles.  

We all have well intentioned people in our lives who are happy to give advice.  Advice feels helpful to the giver, almost never to the receiver.  I have never followed a bit of advice that felt like it came from someone who didn’t take the time to fully understand my situation.

Coaching is not lecturing or teaching, although there is some of both sprinkled in sparingly.  Teaching is what professors and consultants do.  

Coaching is not trying to diagnose mental disorders or fix the past.  Even though coaches look at self defeating thought patterns, coaches are not concerned with helping you deal with mommy or daddy issues.

Behavior change is messy.  Any coach who promises to change your life in such and such a time before understanding your circumstances, is best considered non-credible, or even a quack.  I also see peacocks blustering about, promising to change your life, when they haven’t actually done the things they read in the books.  It’s hard to trust a fat weight loss coach.  Personally, I don’t trust anyone who pretends to have it all figured out.  Life is messy; hiding the mess feels like a lie. 

Real Coaching Stories

From Monk to Married

One of my favorite clients came to me with the desire to be a monk.  Through our visualizations and various exercises we determined his real desire was to be disciplined.  He regularly double-booked himself and was tired of canceling on his friends and clients.  He craved structure and setting some order to his chaos.  

We co-created some small action steps he would take – as simple as going to bed at a regular time and maintaining a strict planning routine – to test the theory that it was discipline he craved.  When he fulfilled his desire for order, his desire to be a monk faded away.  

He became the friend he wanted his friends to have.  It opened up new possibilities he never believed were available to him.  He asked out the girl of his dreams.  One year later they were married.  Their honeymoon was the happiest week of his life.

From Overwhelmed to Overjoyed

Another client came to me with the desire to get fit.  He had images of strict diets and brutal workout routines in his mind.  As a father and business leader, it was impossible for him to execute two hour routines everyday, prep the meals, and get ten hours of sleep to recover from the stress.  When he thought of fitness, his real craving was to regain the energy of his youth so he could go home in a good mood for his children.  

We focused on his current routine, and I noticed that he only ate at night after work.  We decided to experiment with eating four small meals a day instead of one big one.  His energy levels improved nearly instantly.  

He started working out with quick 20 minute routines that meet his current level of fitness instead of his high school football mental state.  His energy levels improved again.  One small improvement after another and he was 55 pounds lighter and removed multiple medications from his life.  

He became the father he wanted to be – fun, present, and energetic, while also improving his ability as a leader at work.

Who Needs a Coach?

Coaching is not a need.  I think of needs as what we must have so we can survive.  Coaching is not a need.  It is a want.  Anyone who wants to move from surviving to thriving wants a coach.  

Coaching is for people that have satisfied survival needs and are ready to step into their own highest potential as a human.  If you want to create a life instead of merely living, coaching is for you.

Coaching is exploding because of the impact on people’s lives.  Those who are coached reach their goals faster and with less overwhelm.  The coached become their ideal selves more often, bouncing back faster after setbacks to fully live a fulfilled life.  

One client said, “I thought I was doing pretty good at being an adult.  I realize now that I was just an amateur.  Hiring you helped me become a professional adult.  Just like professional sports players have coaches to help them become the best at their sport, people should have life coaches to be professional adults.” 

Conclusion

If you want to be a professional adult who is not just making a living, but living a life, hire a life coach.  Not every coach is right for everybody.  Find a coach who resonates with you.  Shared interests and experiences help to form a relationship.  Coaching is built from great relationships, first and foremost.  

The wrong coach costs money.  The right coach is an investment with exponential returns.

In my early days working as a Life Coach, I could not describe what a coach does.  I told one young gentleman I was a coach.  He asked, “Do you think you could help me with my golf swing?”  I didn’t know how to respond at the time.  Today, I would have said, “Yes, certainly.  Probably not how you would expect me to, though.”

Well trained coaches use evidence based psychological principles to help people meet their desired goals.  The heart of coaching is behavioral change.  The best coaches empower clients to find their own way rather than give them a way.  Finding your identity and your path is the only way to create change that lasts a lifetime and creates the greatest impact in our world.  

People are like gold mines.  Most people only see the dirt.  Coaches see the gold, point it out, and give you the tools to uncover it.  You are already great.  You don’t have to change who you fundamentally are.  You only have to get out of your own way and apply the greatness you already possess.      

No matter the goal, there is a coach for you.

To find out more about me and my work, or to book a chat

Go to leeasmart.com

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Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

Lee Aaron Smart